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Friday, 29 March 2013 13:28

They should make soccer way badder ass for America

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"With a few new rules, soccer can kick ass on the wild side. After all, few billion heathens can’t be wrong. The world spends half its rupees on soccer, so the game must have some potential."

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There's been a lot of talk lately about soccer lately, and I am not just talkin’ about between parents of elementary school students. Around coffee shops and art galleries dudes in skinny jeans won’t stop talking about it. It must be the playoffs or something. Pansy Euro-sissies call soccer "football" to make it sound badder-ass than it is. But, instead of stealing America's killer sport name, hipsters, Frenchies and Mexicans should make soccer badder ass to better suit America’s tastes.

We already know all about soccer because most Americans played it up through the fifth grade. Obviously, once we started noticing chicks boobie-buds and realized that Bob Seeger didn‘t never sing about no zero-zero ties, we moved on to watching real sports on television the way God intended us to. Now that gays are running around marrying each other and a black guy is the President, the Prius-driving big city lefty types think we should give soccer another chance.  

Sports generally provide a good opportunity to drink beers and eat up some hot wings, so Americans will probably be willing to try watching pro soccer as long as there’s not stock car racin’ or football on TV. But, If pinkos want Americans going to Wal Mart and buying the latest soccer fashions and trinkets (which foreign types make in their textile mills and “factories), they had better get used to doing business with freedom.

With a few new rules, soccer can kick ass on the wild side. After all, few billion heathens can’t be wrong. The world spends half its rupees on soccer, so the game must have some potential. If Bill Gates and the Donald team up, or some other killer American business entrepreneurs invest in the game, it can be built up the same way this mighty nation was. There’s no reason soccer couldn’t be America’s seventh most popular sport behind football, NASCAR, MMA, baseball, MMA, and wrestlin’. If this is going to work, though, it’s going to be on America’s terms just like everything else. Two words: super, power, Pedro. If the world wants us to adopt its sport it’s going to have to be willing to let us make some changes. In the USA we call it “customizing”.

First of all, these colors don't run.

In soccer everybody runs all over the place. They look like a bunch of Russians trying to get some bread. Screw that. If Americans are going to watch this game there has got to be a lot less exercising and a lot more scoring. A sport that ends in zero-zero ties where everyone gets all sweaty ain’t liberty’s cup of sweet tea. From now on, American soccer’s going to be played by dudes on Harleys wearing jerseys that say “if you can read this the bitch fell off”.

Nobody wants to watch a bunch of little girls kick a ball. American soccer players will smack it with a big ass club. They’ll do steroids and get big, veiny ‘pecs and ‘cepts like the Rock. Before they mount up to hit the field (we’re not going to call it a “pitch” anymore), American soccer badasses will butter up their pythons with Hawaiian Tropic and give the fans a pose down. Then, an announcer in a tuxedo will hand them each a microphone so they can whip the crowd into a frenzy with the kind of smack talk no Frenchie’s virgin ears have ever heard.

America soccer badasses not going out there with faggy names like Oliver and Alfredo. Each of them will pick out a kick-ass title like Boss Hoss, Mad Dog or Screamin’ Eagle. “Chelsea FC” and other girly team names won’t cut it anymore, either. If the Euros want to keep playing, they’ll have to step up to monikers like “Avengers” and “Eagles”. And they can’t be prancing around in little shorts like a bunch of motherless Haitians. Soccer will be played in Levis and REAL boots. There will fine ass cheerleaders rooting players on from the sidelines and gyratin’ to George Thorogood tunes during time outs. Every game will start with a kick ass flyover by F-16s and stealth bombers so that the world doesn’t forget who’s boss.

At half time there will be mud wrestlin’, supercross bikes and monster trucks. The whole thing will sponsored by Bud Light and Skoal. And, since the Euros already allow teams to advertise on their outfits, American soccer badasses will be covered in logos like race car drivers. Only, instead of representing insurance companies, banks, airlines and other prissy stuff like that, they will promote products people here care about, like chainsaws, soft drinks and lift kits.

If we open up a can of good old American whoopass and pour it our all over soccer it might be pretty cool. The way it is now it’s even more pansy than that Canadian game played on skates. Only, at least that game can’t end in a tie anymore. In American soccer there would sure as heck be no ties. That’s like kissing your sister. That may be cool in France, but not in the good old USA. Oh, and the only flopping our players will be doin’ will be on top of honeys in hotels after the games.

We don’t want to hear any bellyaching about how we ruined your game either, Pablo. We didn’t ask you to bring pro soccer the land of the free. That was your call. If you want to see it get popular over here you’re just going to have to take your lumps.

Last modified on Monday, 23 June 2014 12:38
Colin Daniels

Colin is the emcee of the South Stands Denver Fancast and maintains our Twitter and Facebook accounts.