Sunday, 09 December 2012 16:36

Denver Sports Holiday Gift Guide

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"Stuck on what to buy that certain Denver sports fan in your life? Here are some nonsensical, weird and probably dangerous items you can get them for Xmas. South Stands Denver is not responsible if you get one or more of these stuck in an orifice. Gift responsibly."

Denver Broncos

Broncos Baby BibBroncos Baby Bib
For when the Broncos get bounced from the playoffs by a superior team and the fans that didn’t see it coming start crying like a baby. There I said it.


Broncos Spirit Fingerz gloves
And since the Broncos will probably lose on the road in a hellish place like New England, you won’t be able to crack a beer while wearing these so give them to someone before you go to watch that road playoff game along with your keys and say, “I may be getting drunk today.”


Denver Broncos Bedroom SetDenver Broncos Bedroom Set
Nothing screams “underachieving manchild” like a matching sports themed bedroom set. Ladies, you may be Broncos fans, but if you go home with someone and this is what greets you, run.


Denver Broncos Ultimate Fan HandDenver Broncos Ultimate Fan Hand
Every year I see this and every year I think, “that is NOT fitting up my ass.” But it may fit up your ass, so get your groove on.


Denver Broncos 3-1 KeychainDenver Broncos 3-1 Keychain
No offense but I’m not opening my beer with something that I know was just rooting around near your mangy toenails. Maybe some of those fancy micro brews taste like toe jam, but I prefer to keep that flavor out of my beer.


Denver Nuggets

Denver Nuggets Shot GlassesDenver Nuggets Shot Glasses
Or you could get the beer pitcher and matching beer mugs because either way, if you’re watching the Nuggets this season, you’re going to need to drink.


Denver Nuggets Door MatDenver Nuggets Door Mat
Maybe it should just be a Denver Nuggets Welcome Mat for the top teams in the west to waltz on through during the playoffs. Wipe your feet please before wiping your feet on the Nuggets.


Nuggets Whole Bean CoffeeNuggets Whole Bean Coffee
Whoa! Did you know the Nuggets made coffee? Me either. After you drink it, you’ll attempt countless alley-oops with your coffee mug but still never make it in the sink.


Nuggets Zune SkinNuggets Zune Skin
For the basketball fan who still has a Zune. And while we’re going back in time, I’d like to sell you an Earl Boykins jersey.


Colorado Rockies

Rockies Fan Gnome BenchRockies Fan Gnome Bench
Here’s your 2013 four man rotation.


Colorado Rockies Team Logo ToasterColorado Rockies Team Logo Toaster
And since the 2013 season is already toast, you may as well have this symbolically mock you every morning.


Rockies Stainless Steel Flask
No, not to get drunk after another dismal season, but to carry the alcohol to disinfect the wicked burn you’re going to get from paying to see even one game this season.


Rockies 1 Fan PinRockies #1 Fan Pin
It’s the wrong finger so you may be able to get it at a reduced price.


Colorado Avalanche

(I could have done a few more of these, but just like the NHL, why bother?)


Avs Shot Glass HolderAvs Shot Glass Holder
You know, a table works great for holding a shot glass, but if the Avs ever do play again, you can celebrate by taking shot after shot from one of these.


Avs Golf Ball SetAvs Golf Ball Set
Because the only stick they’ll be swinging this year is a golf club? This is getting sad. Buy this for @RadioMoser so he doesn’t forget which team he calls games for while spending his time on the links.

John Reidy

I never really liked sports until I had a religious conversion when the Broncos lost to the 49ers in that one Super Bowl. Now I'm obsessed with all aspects of the Denver pro sports world. Oh yeah, hate college football. And I used to write a column for AV Club Denver but now am a full time contributor to this here site.

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