Saturday, 01 December 2012 21:24

Seven Things That Suck About ... Tampa Bay

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Welcome to our brand new feature - Seven Things That Suck about ...

Denver Sports fans have got it made. We're lucky to live in Colorado. Win or lose, there's no place better. That's why it's easy to find Seven Things That Suck about just about every other place. Why seven? It's our lucky number. Elway's number.

Once a week we will elevate our already mile-high civic pride by picking on some other city.

This week’s victim is Tampa Bay, ”Cigar City”, “the Big Guava”, the Lightening Capital of the World.



Everyone’s a Yankee fan

Tampa has its own damn baseball team. It’s called the “’Rays”, yet the residents there are more loyal to the New York Yankees who train there in the springtime. The Yankees’ practice facility, Steinbrenner Field, draws impressive crowds of loyal fans. The ‘Rays … not so much.


There’s pelican shit everywhere

Pelicans are kind of neat, especially if you weren’t raised around them. They’re all over the place in the Tampa area, though. And they shit a lot.


It’s a filthy, filthy place

People in Tampa are really bad at picking up after themselves. The trash problem isn’t so bad in the more touristy areas, but if you wander off the beaten path and into some of the neighborhoods, you will find fast food wrappers, empty plastic bottles and cigarette butts lining the streets. It’s gross, you guys.


Call Centers

Every city has its industries. In Tampa, the call center business is booming. There are hundreds of these enormous rooms full of account reps, customer service hacks and telemarketers. When you want to reach through the phone and strangle the idiot on the other end, there’s a good chance that idiot is in Tampa.



Tampa is sticky and humid as all hell, and it’s unrelenting pretty much year round. Add that to the fact that the place smells bad and you have yourself in a disgusting sauna of a city.



Fewer Cubans are defecting to Miami and more are heading for Tampa. In certain parts of the city the percentage of residents who emigrated from the tiny island country is upwards of 20%. They’re aliens, so they have a hard time finding work and often live in tenement structures.

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Miami envy

Tampa has all the disadvantages Miami has, but it lacks the glamour, the culture, the celebs and the music scene. It’s basically Miami’s ugly sister and the people who live there know it, too.














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