Saturday, 03 November 2012 13:07

Seven Things That Suck About ... Cincinnati

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Welcome to our feature - Seven Things That Suck about ...

Denver Sports fans have got it made. We live in Colorado! Win or lose, there's no place better. That's why it's easy to find Seven Things That Suck about just about every other City. Why seven? It's our lucky number. Elway's number.

Once a week we will elevate our already mile-high civic pride by picking on some other city.

This week’s victim is Cincinnati, ”the Queen City”, “the ‘Nati”

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Fat People

Every city has ‘em, but Cincinnati gives Houston a run for its money when it comes to grotesquely obese people. Maybe it’s because there’s nothing better to do there than eat until you explode.

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Kentucky

Cincy may be in Ohio, which is considered to be part of the “Midwest”, but it’s just a river away from Kentucky, which is considered to be the South. This odd geographic phenomenon gives the City a bit of an identity crisis.

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Republicans

Ohio is an important place politically, and Cincinnati is a hot bed of Republicanism. I read that on the internet, so it must be true.

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The Bengals

Somehow, even when the Bengals are good they suck. Cincy’s sad football franchise has been a laughing stock for as long as anyone can remember, always taking a back seat to the Reds.

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Chili on noodles

Drive ten minutes out of Cincy and you’ll not see a single SkyLine Chili, or any other place like it. People there are proud of their bizarre chili, which contains chocolate power of all things, and is served over spaghetti noodles. It’s the white trashiest local delicacy in any of the 50 states.

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Hot as fuck, cold as shit

Cincinnati is super humid and either brutally hot or ridiculously freezing cold. Think of Cincy weather as a lot like Chicago’s but without the justification for suffering through it

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Gun violence

Cincinnati is the 16th most dangerous city in America, according to FBI. This despite ranking well outside the top 20 in terms of population. Gun violence is a serious concern. 80-100 gun related deaths are reported annually.

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