Wednesday, 12 December 2012 11:00

NFL Team Name Power Rankings

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I have ranked all 32 NFL teams by the strength of their names.

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What's in a name?

For NFL franchises, team name is everything. Some names are tough. Some are weak. Some have regional significance. Some have none. Some are badass and scary. Some are cute. I decided to rank all 32 teams in order of their names.

 

32) Cleveland Browns.
I realize that they're named after Paul Brown, their one-time Head Coach, but they're named the color of poop.
31) Buffalo Bills
Originally named the "Bison". Renamed after Buffalo Bill Cody, who has absolutely nothing to so with New York State.
30) Baltimore Ravens.
The Ravens get some points for having a pretty badass sounding name, but it comes from Edgar Allen Poe. Literature has no place in the NFL. Besides, they once were the Browns.
29)  Houston Texans
Yeah, no shit you're Texans. I have no problem with state pride, but get over yourselves.
28) Cincinnati Bengals
Paul Brown, after whom the Browns are named, called them the Bengals because the City had a Bengal tiger in it's zoo. That's how little there is about Cincinnati to brag about. Sounds like "Bungles".
27)  Miami Dolphins
Dolphins are pretty nifty and all, but it's one of the wussiest names in all of sports.
26)  Arizona Cardinals
When the team relocated from Saint Louis it should have changed the name. No Cardinal has ever been spotted within a thousand miles of Phoenix.
25) San Diego Chargers
What the hell is a "charger"? The name is too old to refer to the thing that powers up my cell phone.
24)  Jacksonville Jaguars
There are really jaguars living in the wild in Florida. I looked it up. So the name has regional significance. But it also sounds like "Jagwads".
23)  St Louis Rams
Animal names with zero regional significance are the worst.  Named after the Fordham Rams.
22) Tennessee Titans
Only Bud Adams knows what the hell this name even means.
21) Indianapolis Colts
A Colt is a baby horse. One "breaks" a Colt.
20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Named for pirates who raided Spanish ships off the Florida coast. Kind of a cool idea, but it just sounds goofy. And people call them the "Bucks", which is a different thing altogether.
19) Detroit Lions
I don't think big cats are native to the Detroit area. Lazy use of an obvious name.
18) Chicago Bears
See "Detroit Lions"
17) Carolina Panthers
Unlike in Detroit, big cats are native to the Carolinas - but associated more with Florida.
16) Atlanta Falcons
Peregrine Falcons are native to the area. But Birds are pussies.
15) New York Giants
Name stolen from major league baseball. WEAK!
14) San Francisco 49ers
Named for the miners of the California gold rush in 1849. About half of all 49ers fans know that.
13) Green Bay Packers
Named for the meat packing companies that originally sponsored the team. Unfortunate association with the term “fudge packer”.
12) Seattle Seahawks
Named for regional wild life. Birds are pussies, though.
11) Kansas City Chiefs
Points for being sort of racist, but representing natives from the area as proud warriors.

10) Philadelphia Eagles
Patriotic and proud. but I still think birds are pussies.
9) Denver Broncos
Definitely the coolest of the teams named after horses.
8) Dallas Cowboys
The name, the logo and the whole vibe of the Cowboys defines the city of Dallas.
7) New Orleans Saints
A perfect fit for the city. “When the Saints go marching in”
6) Pittsburgh Steelers
Name and logo represents the steel workers union. Working class name, also sounds tough.
5) Washington Redskins
It these modern times it’s comforting that there’s still a blatantly racist team name in sports.
4) New York Jets
Points for being the only team in the NFL named for a mad-made object. Intended to portray the modern era back in 1963.
3) Minnesota Vikings
Vikings were big, tough, courageous men - perfect to name a football team after. Also regionally appropriate.
2) Oakland Raiders
The name doesn’t really mean anything, but it sounds mean and scary. Originally called the “Senors”. No kidding.
1) New England Patriots
The coolest name for a team in all of football - regionally appropriate. Conjures images of minute men.  


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